Transparency - Inside the Heart of A Single....

DISCLAIMER: This may be long, and it may seem to be a rambling...but hang with me.

One of the things I appreciate most in people is when they can be transparent. We all have areas in our life we wish we could hide - and at times keeping things hidden is necessary...but when transparency occurs, it allows others to see the real you...the good, the bad, they ugly and the beautiful.

During the last week a chain of events has brought me to the point of where I am at this moment...and while this won't be easy for me (a semi-private person), I've decided that I need to be transparent about a real issue in my life...more than an issue - my situation in life.

Recently, I've been struggling with something - a label that I felt some were giving to me, and it's not a label I've desired or ever wanted to have attached to my name. In recent months and weeks - I've had people make comments to or directed at me, leaving me to think that they saw me as a "Goody-Goody" (GG) and this has bothered me - because that label couldn't be less of the truth. Last week a friend had sensed that something may not be "okay", based on a FB status. So she e-mailed to ask if I was okay. Throughout our e-mail conversation I shared that I was struggling with the thought of others having this perception of me. I'll be honest - at first I was mad at myself for sharing - I don't like to share my struggles, I like to deal with them privately - until I'm ready to let someone else in. But I trust this friend and she was genuinely concerned so I shared. I mean isn't that what friends are for. In a response e-mail my friend was very open - sharing with me her perception on the situation, helping me to see thoughts through her window - as it related to this topic, and confirmed my thoughts about myself to be somewhat true. I so appreciated my friends honestly - but, UGH...I hated the reality. As I told my friend (in yet another follow-up e-mail)...I want others to see me as a good person, and someone that is mature in most areas of my life. But the perception of a GG is one that I find to be "...judgment, and not necessarily a compliment. I HATE the classification of a goody-goody because I find it can be very unattractive or unappealing to others. A goody-goody (generally) gets the reputation of being better than and above others, and not an approachable person. In addition, in a way I'm starting to see this as a HUGE reason as to why I'm single. I know it sounds crazy - but it's true. I've had guys (friends and potential more than friends) tell me "you are too perfect"...ugh, that drives me crazy - I'm NOT perfect, let alone too perfect!!!..." Through these e-mails, my friend encouraged me, that it might help others to see me in a different light - if I was more open to sharing some of the things I struggle with. So that others can see I am human, and that I do have areas where I struggle.

On a different day, but during yet another e-mail conversation with this same friend - my friend asked me some very direct questions about being single...my open thoughts and feelings. Then tonight at small group we cracked the surface of dealing with the elephant in the room - we are all (mostly) single. While I'm certain this wasn't on the small group leader's agenda - as it wasn't directly attached to tonight's topic...I'm certain it was on God's agenda for the evening. During my drive home, my mind took me back to the questions from my friend and how much I wished I could share my heart as openly with my small group as I could with my friend. And then I decided...I need to share this struggle (the biggest struggle that I face), I need to be transparent. Not to help with a perception of what others have - but rather to help others see the heart of a Single...more importantly the heart of this single.

So below are the questions of my friend, and my honest responses. These are my thoughts - keep in mind they may not be the thoughts of other singles. These are my human responses - and they may not be the "correct" response that some Christians think I should have. But I'm being honest - and honest isn't always what others perceive as the correct response. Please do not have pity on me or my responses - that is not my purpose for sharing.

Q. What does it feel like?
A. It's truly a bag of mixed emotions, depending on the day, the circumstance, the hour. It's like most situations in life you take it one day at a time - only I do it alone (yes I have family and friends, but ultimately I'm alone). Most days I'm okay with being Single - and others not so much. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being okay with it. It truly wasn't until after I was 30 that I really started to come to terms with it. Generally speaking, I'm content being single (though I hope I'm not here forever) - I have to be...if I'm not content with what I have, God won't give me more. In addition, discontent is a sin. With that being said - there are days when I'm severely lonely and at times even numb I'm so lonely - I go through my routine, trying not to think about how much I long to be married. Not every day - but occasionally. Holidays are hard for me - especially Mother's Day - I so want to be a Mom. Then there are days when I'm fine with it being just myself...I can sleep in, I only have to get me ready, I can leave at 9:00 in the morning and come home at 11:00 at night - and only have my schedule to contend with...and I like that freedom. I must admit that evening/night time is hard for me - hence, filling my nights with something to do...although in the last year, I'm realizing that quality time at home
is SUPER nice and healthy. Going to bed alone makes me sad most nights - and not just for the physical reasons...but being single is much more real to me at that time. Sometimes when I watch TV and there is something funny, I laugh out loud and I wish I had someone there to laugh with or when I'm in a restaurant I wish I had someone to talk to about their day, and not just read a book or people watch. But I also enjoy the freedom that I can eat cereal for dinner if I want - I get to make the menu for myself and what I like. I like only having my schedule to worry about - but deep down I really do wish I had another schedule to consider. I have full control of the remote control, the volume of the radio, the position of the seat in my car, the entire bed to myself - which means there is only half a bed to make, all the ice cream is mine and I have tons of closet space. But I'd give it ALL up in a breath to feel the love of a husband and to have his companionship - to have someone to hold me in their arms in the morning and someone to kiss me goodnight, and to experience every moment in between - the good, bad, ugly, boring, ordinary, icky, hard, happy, sad moments of life. Currently (as I've shared before), I'm really having a hard time with the future job looming above. I know God will provide and I'm relying on Him. But the human part of me naturally has concerns and worry, as I wait. There are times in the middle of the night I wake up (or I can't sleep) and I want to talk about how it's going to work out, to come up with a back-up plan to the back-up plan, to have someone reassure me it's going to be okay - that it will all work out and to just experience this hurdle together. It's a lot of stress knowing that the bills to run my household are paid only by myself - and the thought of not having an income scares me. Satan knows me, what scares me and it's him who is making me worry and not have full rest.

Then there are just the every day things that drive me crazy about being single...for example I currently need my garbage disposal replaced (and have need it replaced since August) but the fact that I'm mechanically challenged, means when something breaks I have to rely on someone else to fix it - relying on their schedule. Going to the grocery store and not being able to finish eating or drinking something before it goes bad - items aren't packaged at the stores with Singles in mind! Then I feel like I'm not being a good steward of my money because I didn't finish the entire 1/2 gallon of milk or because I couldn't eat another night of leftovers so I threw something away. UGH - that drives me bonkers. But there are every day things that I can do - I can clean according to my standards and preferences, I can fold clothes to my standards and preference. I can cook food to my liking. I can even park at an angle in the carport, and no one can complain that I did't leave enough room.

The other main thing I wrestle with is becoming concerned only about me and how I want things done. When it's just my schedule or the menu is made to my liking - it's easy to get the "world revolves around me" attitude. So I'm trying to be more aware of this and I try to do things that don't cultivate that attitude or approach. I don't want to be old and single.

Lastly, There are times when those around me (speaking of married people here) say things or do things that make me feel so abnormal for being single, and those times hurt. It hurts a lot - at those times I really struggle. I mean who wants to abnormal? But I've learned that they don't understand, and that they just don't get it. So how can I expect any less of them or allow my feelings to be so hurt. I mean - I'm sure there are things that I say or do that could hurt a wife or a mother - and I don't even realize the hurt I've caused.

Being Single has perks, but it's also very hard in many aspects. But I try hard to not dwell on the hard, that would be bad for me on many levels.

Q. Do you feel disappointed?
A. Again it depends on the day. But I'm really learning (in the last few years) to deal with it. But honestly, I'd have to say yes. For as long as I can remember I dreamed of being married, having a house full of children (I always wanted at least 5) and living in the country. I love working, but I could easily be the stay-at-home Mom and being involved in all aspects of being a wife/mom. There were other ministries in the church where I wanted to be involved - one of them was to lead a mixed group of ladies Bible Study (I can't now because I can't relate to being a wife/mother). All of that was my dream for many years. I still have the dream - of being a wife and mom (and ministering), but the reality of it not being exactly as I thought it was going to be is very real too. You know like - not having 5+ children. So yes, it's disappointing. But I try to fill in those gaps - being an active involved part of my niece and nephews life, planning things, being involved in various ministries - especially those that allow me to work with kids/teens. It doesn't take the void away completely...but it helps.

I'm also disappointed for my Mom. I know that sounds silly - but I am. My mom so badly wants to have her children married with children - not because it's the correct thing in society's eyes...but so that we can know and experience what love truly is. It makes me sad that none of her daughters are married (or still married). Plus I want to be able to experience these things with my Mom. I just want her to be able to experience the other things that women her age have, and to not have to worry about us so much. As if a mother ever stops worrying.

Q. Do I feel let down by God?
A. Let down - No. Forgotten -YES!! Hurt - At times! I just wonder why this is God's plan? What have I done/not done to not deserve a husband/family? Why does he allow me to continue to have these desires, and yet He doesn't complete them? Again, I know the right answers here - God has a plan. God has a purpose of why. But those things don't always - actually never - make the hurt feel better. I see others getting what I so long for, and yet I continue to ask - and the answer is not right now. So again, I try to make the best of the situation and I just pray that I'm allowing God to use my singleness for His good. I can't wait until I "have" or get" to be involved in ministry or ministering. I admire the story and person of Ruth, and I try to pattern my life after her...God used her in her singleness and one day as a wife - I mean this was the line of which Christ came from. But no - I don't feel let down...just forgotten.

As with any status in life...Singleness isn't only doom and gloom, but it's also not sunshine and rainbows. My hope is that this blog has allowed you to see a small glimpse into the heart of me - a single girl...