In the grips of fear...

Fear - (noun) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. (verb) to regard with fear; be afraid of.

This week I've lived in fear...fear of my security being removed from me and a violation of my body. In recent weeks some news has broke in Cbus that is rather alarming and should be handled with much caution. The criminal acts are towards women who are either single or at the time alone in their homes, and most are happening in the early morning hours as the ladies are a sleep in their bed. The criminal acts have been occurring since June. There have been a total of 7 attack since June, but 5 of them have occurred since September...therefore they are becoming more frequent. Two (4 and 7) of the attacks have occurred near Villa de Megalicious and I'm now in heightened security mode. I guess you could say I'm at Orange level when using the Homeland Security Scale of Safety - bordering very close to Red. The most recent incident occurred within walking distance (10 min. tops) of my piece of this world. Of course, my friends and family are very aware of this and are concerned about my safety. I've had friends volunteer to follow me home, offers for family to come sleep at my place, and other very generous types of reaching out. I do have a security system that is now ALWAYS on - not that it wasn't before, but I'm more aware of it being set. I call individuals when I arrive at home, even if it just coming home after work. On Wednesday to "increase" my security - as if an alarm isn't enough - I went and borrowed a bat from Hayden. This bat doesn't leave my side while I'm in the house - if I go to the bathroom it goes to the bathroom, and it even joins me in my bed as a I sleep at night. I'm going this afternoon to purchase pepper spray for the car, my purse, and my bedroom. I'm also going to purchase a whistle to add to my key chain. I'm also looking into self defense classes. All of these things just so I'm prepared now or in the future. None of these resources are bad to have on hand, should the time it be necessary. HOWEVER...I HATE being scared. I HATE that I can't feel safe in my own home. I HATE that I have to invest money into my safety and this person is just freely roaming the streets. I HATE that I can't get a good night of rest. I HATE that this one person is controlling the lives of women all across this city. I HATE that the other night I sat on my couch for over an hour trying to convince myself that it was okay to go upstairs, that I would be safe and that nothing would happen. Fear has it's grips on me. I have never once felt insecure or in danger in the entire time that I've been out on my own (11 years) and now I'm so scared I can barely take a shower or put my trash outside without being afraid. I'm afraid to walk past a window or door, in fear that I might see him - as he is stalking his victims to get their routine down. TRUST me when I say that I've prayed about this - asking God to allow me to remember who is in control, to remove my fear, and to rest in my ultimate security system...and each day it is getting a little better. But I'm worried to put my guard down, to get comfortable again. Because what if I let my guard down and something happens. Fear is an ugly creature - a creature I've never really dealt with before. I thought that I had experienced Fear, but oh no - it is nothing like what I'm dealing with right now and I want it to leave.