Failing...

I was never, nor will I ever be, an all "A" student! Super duper to all you out there who are! Two gold stars for you! However, I was a faithful "B" or "C" student - I worked very hard to get those grades, and my parents knew it...so they never pushed me to get straight "A" - but they did encourage me to do my best, and if they knew I could get an "A"...they gently nudged me that way. However, I never wanted to see a "D" on my report card - and most definitely never an "F". Thankfully, I never saw either! Because to me those were failing, and I've always been afraid of failing. Which is why I'm not really one to be the first one on the dance floor, to be the first to share, and you'd never see me play a sport. It's not because I don't like them - it's because I was afraid I'd fail. I've always been one to have many great ideas - but I'm too afraid to try...for instance, I've always dreamed of having my own business but I never have...because,what if I fail?

However right now I feel like I'm failing, and I'm so discouraged. I'm so angry right now. Those who don't know me well probably don't see it - but those who do...know I'm struggling. Someone told me earlier this year that I needed to be more transparent, to show people that I struggle. I don't like to do that - it shows I'm weak and that I have failures. But actually it only shows I'm human. So hear we go...

Recently, I baked a cake from scratch for my sister's birthday - and this cake was the detail that sent my heart and mind full force into failure mode. My sister wanted a yellow cake with chocolate icing. I thought "Done!". I can handle this - I've done it several times. Cake & Icing from scratch - no problem! (Although from scratch was not what she required) Since I didn't have a yellow cake recipe I was set on making - I searched for the perfect cake. She kept telling me a box mix is just fine. "NO! That's boring!" (those who know me - know I thoroughly enjoy making everything from scratch). So I found the recipe> I studied it. Read comments about it and adjusted my recipe to match some of the suggestions. I made the cake - the batter was a little runny, but it was still cake batter consistency. It looked and tasted delish in batter form. The cake baked at just the right amount of time, and looked perfect! As they cooled I made the Chocolate Fudge icing! Soon the cooled cake was iced. Everything looked perfect. However later on when it was time to eat the cake - I realized something wasn't right. I could barely get the candles in the cake. I'm serious when I say I had to shove them into the cake. I began laughing outside - but inside I was dying...I was crying, how embarrassing - I FAILED. I wanted this to be perfect for my sister, who does so much for me, and this cake was hard...like as a brick, not like hard to make. Finally I got the candles into the cake. We turned the lights off and sang. And then it was time to cut into this cake. It was solid - I mean not a crumb came off this cake and it stood perfectly still during transition from platter to plate. It looked horrible. It tasted even worse - it was solid and you couldn't really swallow it. I continued to laugh - because I knew if I stopped laughing I would burst into tears. I held it together for the rest of the celebration. But once I hit the car - hours later - the tears came. Okay so I know you are probably thinking - "wow, that's a little emotional over cake". But you see it wasn't the cake, exactly, it was a combination of many things that have led up to that cake. I feel like in so many areas of my life - I'm starting to see where I've failed, and where I'm failing. I'm crushed. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. I feel I've failed in many things...but the two I'm struggling with right now are...

As a friend I've failed - I love my friends. It takes me a long time before I will call someone my friend. Because I have to learn to trust a person. In reality - I only have a few true friends, and I have MANY close acquaintances. My friends are my third layer of my foundation...God, Family and Friends. Since I'm older than most of my friends...I try to be an encouragement to them. I try to be an example to them. I try to always be there for them. I try to remember things in their life. Like...a big sister. However, I'm finding out that in my approach I'm failing my friends, because apparently they feel as though they can't be real with me. Within the last year, I've learned some things about my friends that aren't necessarily things I would do with my life. Does it make them wrong and me right - NO. Doesn't even make them wrong. They are just different choices than I would make. Yet, I still love them and I'm not going to judge them - (we are required to compare our lives to Biblical standards, NEVER to judge...that's God's job). If they asked for my opinion, I would share it - but it doesn't change how I feel about them or how I see them. It hurt even more when I found out that others knew and had known for a long time - months, even years about this. I was crushed. Not because I wasn't the first to know - but because everyone knew and I didn't. It was like a big joke once I found out - people even laughed that I finally knew. That hurt so bad. But apparently they feel they can't share these things with me. How horrible. How sad. That my friends don't even feel they can be 100% honest with me. At some point I must have done or said something that makes them feel they can't share these things. The same friend who told me I needed to be real, is the same friend who said - "well we don't share things with you because you are so perfect". I'M NOT PERFECT! I'M NOT! But yet they felt like not telling me was okay. I'm a big girl folks - I deal with real life stuff every day. The last thing I need is for my friends to feel they can't be who they are in front of me - all of the time. They ask me to be real -yet, how am I supposed to be 100% real with struggles that I have when they aren't being real with every day things that they do. Some where along the way I've failed, and I'm not the friend I thought I was or tried to be. Seems it bit me in the butt for caring too much to take a stand, or encourage a friend to have a closer walk with God, a life without so much drama, or just simply to show that I cared no matter what they say or do.

As a woman I've failed - Women were created to be a helper to a man. Women were created to have children. Women were given the desires to be both of these things...at the time of my birth it was naturally given to me by God to have the desire to want to marry and have children. Yet it's a desire that God hasn't fulfilled - nor has he taken away. SO for those who say "maybe you are too focused on it", well you tell me how I can change a natural desire that I have...oh yeah, and I'm only going to listen if you know how I feel. Meaning you are either my age or older, are single and have no children. All the rest of you - well you don't understand! You don't get it and you never will. So for a moment - sit back and see what life is like for someone who desires so badly to have what you have - and can't get it, because God has said "NO." I'm now less than six months from my scary age of 35. I never in a million years would have thought at 35 I would be single and without a child. Since I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being a wife and mother...and neither of those things have been given to me. I have no one in my life that could be a possible mate. The one relationship I did have in my life - he only wanted the benefits of having a girlfriend in private, but in public was too ashamed of me to tell his family or friends...and today people laugh about it and some don't even know it existed. And for those who are thinking it...no we did not have sex, and yes he was a Christian. For some reason God doesn't see fit for me to have this sort of love. And it hurts, it sucks! I'm not saying that I don't have love - I do...from my family and others around me. But I'm talking about the love of a husband. I know that God loves me - I know that...so I'm not talking about that type of love either. It just hurts to know that God didn't select me to be married. Before you start asking well where have you tried...I've tried everywhere - I've paid money to join Match.com and E-harmony, and how stewardly is that for months on end to pay $35+ for something that isn't working. I've tried everything...other than lowering my standards - God's standards. I could be like other young women that I know who want this so badly that they've settled for less than God's ideal or let the temptation of sex overtake them, only to find themselves pregnant outside of a marriage relationship. I could do those things - if I allowed myself to...but that's not what God's plan is for the life of His child. I'm not judging them - please don't get me wrong...I'm just saying, I've tried so hard to be faithful and to be patient...for 16 years I've waited, and tried to follow the design God has for marriage and children - yet nothing. Wow thanks! Thanks for noticing!! And what do I get as my reward...well let's see on May 21 - solely because I'm 35 - I will become high risk should I ever get pregnant. The likelihood of me getting pregnant decreases by several percentage points. The likelihood of me having a child with Downs Syndrome or another birth defects increases several percentage points. Then if those statistics aren't depressing enough - my risk of getting three different types of cancer increase several percentage points - solely because I've never had sex or had a child. WOW! What super benefits for being patient and waiting. Seems like your doomed if you and doomed if you don't. Don't get me wrong - I know God is powerful and he can/does provide healthy children to women over 35 and there are millions of single women who don't have cancer. I know this...but the reality of those statistics make me stop and ask WHY? I don't know - maybe God is saving me from heartache...but that heartache must be pretty big - because this heartache is almost too much for me to handle any more.

I know it doesn't sound like I'm applying the verses that I've learned since I was a in the toddler nursery. I've not forgotten them, or the truths of God's Word. But I'm being honesty here folks - and let's be honest - how many of us ALWAYS apply a Bible Verse instantly to a struggle we have. And isn't honesty about a situation what helps our hearts to heal to actually see where God is working and healing? Often times being honest - is being human, and that's how God made us - to be human. He never promised us a life filled with rainbows and unicorns...and sometimes we have to face the pain and hurt. In life we fail, all the time...and often we have the chance to fix it. I hope that some of my failures can be fixable, and those that can...I hope I can learn to live through them.

So there you have it...I'm being honest. Hopefully, I've not failed.