2010 - Whew, I made it threw!...

WOW! Another year has come, and is almost gone. I can't believe it's almost over, yet on the other hand I can't believe it's taken this long to get here!

2010 has been one of the hardest years I've ever had...yet I've learned more about myself, others and God this year. It's been filled with some pretty deep lows and some pretty big highs - and lots of middle of the road stuff.

In this last year I've found myself on my knees begging God to heal a sick friend, pleading for a job, weeping to provide comfort to my lonely heart and urging for understanding in situations that I don't understand. I've gained a prayer partner, new family members, friendships and a new job. God has used my meal ministry to feed many through various ways, and my administrative/organizations skills to lead a ministry I never thought I'd have the honor of leading. God has given and He has taken away. God provided protection during the unusually snowy winter and allowed Ohioans a beautiful Spring, Summer, Fall and even an Indian Summer. But in all of 2010 I've found it to be true that God has remained faithful, even when I wavered. He's provided strength in my weakness. And it's only because of Him that I was able to face everyday this year.

Enjoy a re-cap of some of the highlights, and dimmed lamps of my year...

January ~

• The Ohio State Football Buckeyes provided us with a win in the Granddaddy of them all the Rose Bowl. Beating the Oregon Ducks 26 to 17.
• A "new" ministry began at IBC - on that I had prayed for for a long time. A Small Group started on Thursday evenings for young adults...and I've enjoyed attending and getting to know some fellow brothers and sisters in Christ; although I'm not really that young anymore - or at least not as young as many of them.
• I found out that Ashley was pregnant and that the end of Summer would take me in to my next phase of life...being a Great Aunt!
• I found out that my job would be transferred to Pittsburgh at the end of May. I had to decided whether to move or quit my position...within two weeks. I decided to stay in C-bus, and to work until the office closed or I found another position...which ever came first.
• IBC Commissioned and sent Kristie to Romania - what a joy it was to watch this young woman follow the Lord's leading...what a blessing to have ministered to and with her!

February ~

• I had to say my temporary good-bye to my sweet friend, Penny. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I miss her so much.
• Our Small Group was able to minister to IBC and the MRC. The guys did some minor repairs around the building, while the ladies made no-sew blankets for MRC clients.

March ~

• Jenni, Kari and I took a chartered bus trip that we will never forget. Wendy's Mom and brother, Tom, joined us. It was interesting to say the least.
• I again was able to volunteer at the Children's Hospital Heme Weekend @ Deer Creek.
• Tim, Lisa, Ryan, Jenni and I spent a beautiful weekend in Hocking Hills - lots of fun!!
• I had "coffee" (okay we both had Hot Chocolate!) with someone I knew in High School - yet we'd never really met or knew each. It's been great getting to know her, and to minister/worship with she and her family @ IBC.

April ~

• I was blessed to hear Ken Rudolph speak again...at the Good Friday service.
• My cousin Tony got married to his long-time girlfriend, Ashley. Ashley has felt like family for a long time, but it is wonderful to officially have her as a member!
• Our family again participated in the MS Walk! We walk in hopes of finding a cure for everyone with MS - but especially Wendy & Clyde!
• It's (another) Girl! Ashley found out her bundle of joy was a girl!
• Sophia started the process of getting braces!
• I saw Tim McGraw in concert with Jenni, Kari & Lisa!
• I was again able to chaperon the West High Ensemble trip to Virginia Beach. It was a beautiful weekend! I LOVE the Beach!! I LOVE the kids!!

May ~

• Ayana turned 5!
• After several months of searching, many hours of meeting and countless hours of reading resumes. The IBC Search Committee narrowed the candidates to four! We met all four, interviewed them and their wives - I had the joy of cooking for two of the four meals!
• Hayden played his last official High School baseball game and was crowned Prom King all in the same week. He later played in the City League All Star Game.
• I found out I was going to be the Director of IBC's VBS - to be held on June 27...YIKES!
• I turned 34 - one year from my scary age!
• I ended my chapter as an employee of Direct Energy - and said goodbye to many co-workers and friends.

June ~

• I had a phone interview with Huntington Bank (this was just one of many interviews I had had over the 5 months of searching)
• The Search Committee decided on our candidate and presented him to the Deacon's...Pastor Brad Rickard.
• Due to my unemployment I was able to volunteer at Westgate's Field Day - what a super treat!
• Hayden became the second graduate of the third generation from West High School, where he read "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost.
• I had a face to face interview with Josh Eichenhorn and Andy Keusal at Huntington Bank
• Beth came home! I'm so glad December 2011 holds another visit of my non-Asian friend who lives in Asia!
• I spent my days of unemployment looking for additional opportunities, enjoying the start of summer break with the nieces and nephews, and planning/preparing VBS details/materials.
• I was offered and accepted a job at Huntington Bank in their Commercial Credit Department supporting the EVP - Commercial Credit Sr. Loan Approval Officer and the VP - Training and Development.
• I directed VBS at IBC, and started my new job the day after VBS started!
• Hayden turned 18!

July ~

• I began commuting via COTA!
• I traveled to Troy, MI for training...it was my first trip to the state up North!
• Ashley graduated from Cosmetology school!
• Pastor Brad Rickard candidated, was called and accepted the call to be Sr. Pastor at IBC! PRAISE THE LORD!
• Kari & the kids had a wonderful week at Family Camp and Emily had another great week at TLC!
• I enjoyed the Ladies Summer Bible/Book Study on Sunday evenings!

August ~

• Emily made the Varsity Volleyball team.
• Elijah began his first season of football, while Sophia and Ayana enjoyed their first season of Cheering.
• Our Small Group "hosted" the IBC Picnic - Brunch version! While I did very little in terms of planning...it seemed to be enjoyed by many!
• IBC voted to move AWANA to Wednesday evenings and eliminate youth for grades K-6...it was a rather big deal - but shockingly had very little discussion at the time of the meeting!
• I "returned" as a Youth Leader for IBC's IT group!
• Ayana entered Kindergarten - the sixth in the second generation to attend Westgate.
• Hayden moved into the dorms and began his college career at Capital University.
• Ashley delivered a beautiful little girl...Gabriella Rose!

September ~

• I enjoyed a weekend of camping with friends!
• Ohio State beat Miami!
• Pastor Brad began his time at IBC!
• I began meeting with my prayer partner...what an encouragement!
• I began my second year of WHS Athletic Booster Special Events Coordinator.
• Tim & Lisa were engaged!! I'm enjoying helping them coordinate!

October ~

• Was the most difficult month as I suffered greatly with the singleness issue.
• Ashley passed her State Boards!
• Dad's health really started to decline.
• I enjoyed a weekend in VanOrder Land bonding with some girlfriends, and meeting a new acquaintance. I look forward to getting to know her more in 2011 - when she moves to C-bus!
• I ventured out of my norm - and went to a Girl's Night Out with people I really didn't know. It was a ceramics painting party at a place (ironically) called "Outside the Lines". I'm looking forward to the next one on January 7.
• IBC tragically and quickly lost one of it's most faithful servants - Al Webster
• The annual Thornton Harvest Party @ Jenni's was another highlight to the Fall season.
• Terry (the kids Dad) was in a tragic and sever car accident - that has changed all of our lives forever.
• The AGDO (Annual Girls' Day Out) with all the Thornton women + Grandma Rosie (Wendy's Mom) involved Apple Picking and lunch at the Nutcracker in Pataskla. Katrina joined us this year - as did Chrissy & Livi!

November ~

• The Republicans had huge wins in Ohio and all across the USA on Election Day.
• I enjoyed my first ever Veteran's Day off at the movies - alone! A tradition I think I'll keep!
• I enjoyed a day with my Mom at the Outlet Malls...we love to shop!
• Hayden decided to switch to Ohio Dominican beginning Winter Semester, 2011.
• I held and comforted my niece, as she sat heartbroken and sobbing in my front seat - telling me that her boyfriend had just moments before broken-up with her.
• I coordinated the kitchen portion of the Thanksgiving Eve Fest @ IBC...little did I know the blessing I would receive, from such a little meal. At 8:00 p.m. - one of the girls (approx. 5 yrs old) prayed to thank God and said that was the first thing she had to eat ALL DAY - and as she was literally shoveling it in my heart broke for her.
• Jenni and I braved the Pre-Black Friday mania and stood outside Toys 'R Us for two hours in the pouring rain on Thanksgiving night, and then conquered Black Friday. The deals were so worth it and we saved so much. But the time, laughter and memories made with my sister were priceless. I believe this too is going to be a tradition.
• For the 7th year in a ROW Ohio State defeated the Michigan Wolverines.

December ~

• We "brought back" our tradition of baking Christmas cookies at IBC, per the request of Emily & Kari. It wasn't the 1900+ as in years past, but we still had a lot and enjoyed spending the day together.
• Ashley turned 21!
• The IBC Dinner Theater & WHS Ensemble performance are always a highlight to me.
• The Thornton Family sorted the Christmas Cards at IBC for the 24th year in a row!
• The Annual Thornton Sister's Shopping Adventure was just that...an adventure! But we were productive and found some super deals!
• Katrina heard the Christmas story for the first time - EVER!
• Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were both spent with family, and lots of love was demonstrated. But our focus was the true meaning of Christmas - Christ's Birth!
• I was able to cross an item off of my Bucket List - attending a Harlem Globetrotter's game.

So there it is...2010 through my eyes and experiences...whew, I made it threw! Looking forward to 2011, and all it has in store!

"God Never Gives You More Than You Can Handle..."

A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a friend. Who challenged a very common and "favorite" saying within the Christian circle...and it's stuck with me. I've mulled it over and over in my mind, and I think my friend is correct.

This friend and I, also are prayer partners and we meet monthly to encourage each other and to find out how we can be praying more for the other...and since we both enjoy eating this meeting usually takes place at a food establishment! However, I knew this month's meeting was going to be different than most months - where lots of laughter is also involved. You see my friend has had a very rough year - and even more so as year comes a close. Two extremely special people in her life have faced various illnesses and one of which was diagnosed with cancer, the week after Thanksgiving - with the news that treatments or surgery are not an option and that her time (in the opinion of the doctors) left on this earth is 3-6 months...with 6 months being generous. So I knew that when we met, I needed to have a heart of compassion, ears ready to listen, words that would encourage and an extra package of Kleenex...I knew there was no way to hold back the tears. We selected our meeting time and location, and all day long I was greatly anticipating our time together. I had prayed that God would use me to be the encourager - as usually my friend is the one who leaves me so encouraged. We both arrived, quickly ordered and the conversation went instantly to her...how was she doing? how were those she was caring for doing? how are your children handling this? I mean the questions were just flooding the booth we were sitting in...I wanted to know exactly how I could pray for my friend and her family. When I asked how she was doing she said, "I'm tired of people telling me that God never gives us more that we can handle." Um okay - that's not what I was expecting, but we'll go with that. "What do you mean?" I asked somewhat confused. "People tell us this, but that doesn't make any sense. If God never gives us more than we can handle...then that means we are able to live life without having Him involved. If we can handle it, we never get to see God working. And I want you to know that it's only God who is handling this situation - because if it were up to me, I would fail, I would have failed. There is no way I could handle this on my own." WOW - her thoughts stopped me cold, and the truth of her words pierced my mind. Its so true! As humans we want to rely on God, yet we also want to see how long we can go without allowing him to come along side or take over the situation. And this very innocent, saying has it all wrong. A saying I've used before to encourage/comfort myself and others - takes all the focus off of God's abilities and puts them back on us...mere humans. Instead of focusing on the fact that we need God! We need to see God working, especially in those situations where it humanly seems impossible for us to get through...like the one my friend is facing. We need to allow God to be working, especially in those situations where it humanly seems impossible for us to carry out the task.

Once again it was my friend left me encouraged, and challenged my thinking!

God never gives you more than you can handle...because it's Him who is handling, not you!

"She said, "Yes..."

As the Christmas season is quickly coming to an end I wanted to share a thought I've been pondering...about Mary, the Mother of Jesus.

Mary a simple, humble TEENAGER who was engaged to be married. Can you imagine her excitement about the thoughts of getting married. I mean I've never been engaged...but I'm telling you what I would be so SUPER excited...cartwheels would often be performed. In the Jewish religion (of which she belonged) - it was not uncommon for teenage girls to get married. I mean if a boy became a man at 13, they would need someone to marry that was of like age. Therefore, I have to believe that teenagers of that day had much more responsibility, training and preparation at living a life that today we would consider to be a life lived by an adult...with the responsibilities of a marriage, children and a home all before your 21 - what we today consider a full fledged adult.

But imagine how Mary must have felt the night the Angel came to her to tell her that she had been chosen by God to carry HIS son inside her womb, to give birth (which also means to give life to) HIS son and to raise HIS son - yet she'd never been with a man and the child she would give birth to would not be the son of the man she was to marry. I'm sure her was full of a potpourri of emotions. Fear. Humbleness. Confusion. Excitement. Honor. Anger. Joy. The Bible doesn't tell us about her emotions - but let's not forget that Mary was human - just as you and I. So I can't help but believe that in that moment and days weeks to come, she didn't have a million emotions filling her mind and body. I mean have you ever experienced the emotions of a pregnant woman. Again I've never been pregnant - but I've been around enough women who have been to know that their overly emotional. So let's not forget that Mary was human - just because she was carrying Jesus - doesn't mean she didn't have the normal experiences, side-effects of pregnancy. But yet the Bible never tells us that she ever told the angel "No." Was no even an option? Could she have said no? What if she had said no? Did God have a back-up plan? These are the things I've been pondering over the last week or so.

Let's imagine if she had said no - okay let's not! Okay, maybe just a little to get a point across, but let's not dive too deep into it - as we don't want to divert from what God's Word does tell us about Mary and her willingness. Imagine Mary said "No, I'm not going to do this"...for whatever reason. I mean she had plenty, right? She wasn't married - and I'm certain that pregnancy outside of wedlock was NOT looked highly upon in Mary's time - so she faced rejection, gossip, whispers as she walked by and judgement from Joseph, her family, friends and even those who did not know her. I'm sure she feared and worried about Joseph's reaction and acceptance - how was she going to feel about this, what if he didn't believe that she had kept herself and remained faithful. She could have been concerned about the reaction of family, friends and others in her community - how was she ever going to explain this and still have them believe her...that she was carrying the Messiah...that she of all the young women (past, present and future) she had been selected. I mean let's face reality here folks - if someone told us a story like this today...would we 100% without a shadow of a doubt believe them? I personally, can't say as though I would. Imagine if she said "No", and there was no back-up plan. The whole world would have lost out on salvation because of her choice to not be the vessel in which God would bring salvation to this world. Imagine the horror. That thought is too much to bear and too vast to wrap my mind around. Yet with all of the excuses she had, all the other girls that God could have selected - Mary said "yes"...she said "yes". She said "yes" and had faith that God would work out all the details and questions in her mind. God had given her - an ordinary girl - an extra-ordinary ministry...she was going to be used of God to change this world FOREVER. It was going to take some explaining, some rejection (I'm sure), some being made fun of, standing out in the crowd and lots of patience, faith and trust...yet she was willing.

What about me? Just an ordinary lady - that God want to use in extraordinary ways. He wants to use me to change my "world" and those around me - to point them to Him. He wants me to carry His gospel - not inside my womb...but on the outside of my life for all the world to see. But yet sometimes I say "no"...oh the horror of that. Because it's not comfortable, others may reject me, I might stand out in the crowd, I don't have time to be that involved, or whatever the excuse is. Never considering that God has selected me for this ministry. It might mean smiling to others on a bus, cooking a meal for someone in need, taking the opportunities He gives me to share my faith with my Jewish boss or working with, at times disrespectful immature unappreciative, teenagers...or maybe something new in 2011? Whatever it is...over the last two weeks God has opened my eyes to the fact that we can't just say "no" because we can't see how it's all going to work itself out...but that's not why God calls me to a ministry. God calls me because he wants to use me to change the world of those I come in contact with - to point them to Him and I, like Mary, just need to see how HE is going to work at all the details and questions of my mind.

When God looks at me, and how I live all aspects of my life - I want him to say..."she said yes."

(kinda) Funny Story...

So we are going through this whole "re-stack" at work...basically they are updating work areas and cramming us into smaller cubicles - which just enough room to breath (however, I love the colors and set-up!). So I'm currently on the 14th floor. I moved there in November, and will be there until March-ish. There are four of us who are enduring this temporary "housing" for this long...it's a long story as to why - but basically it's because we started out on the 8th floor and will end up on the 5th - the 8th floor was at the beginning of the "re-stack" and the 5th floor is at the end - and we drew the short straws for having no where to sit during the transition!

For some time now we (the four of us) have been the only 4 people on this ENTIRE floor!! My boss, is one of the four, and is based out of Detroit. Usually he is in C-bus for 2-3 days each week; however, since Thanksgiving he's tried not to travel as often...and his meeting schedule has accommodated this desire. With it being December there is a lot of people taking time off as well. So one of the other two guys (of the four - I'm the only female! JOYish!), has taken a significant amount of time off. This leaves just one other guy and I on the floor. Well the other guy his wife just had their sixth baby (all under the age of 8 - thank you very much!) - so he's been doing a lot of working from home or working in a satellite office closer to his house. That means I'm often left alone on this floor. While other groups are coming to the floor for brief (2-3 weeks) stays in the near future - December hasn't been a great month to temporarily move people. So I've probably worked alone on the ENTIRE floor - all but 5 days since before Thanksgiving! While it is at times super creepy - I have been able to get MUCH accomplished. I just turn up my Pandora and go down the list of things that need to be done, as other minor fires come up throughout the day.

Well this week, my boss had to be in C-bus for meetings. He didn't arrive in the office until late in the day on Monday. When he arrived on the floor all of the lights had been turned off, except for those in my work area. I didn't realize this, because of the way the floor is set-up. He was NOT a happy camper to get off the elevators in a dark lobby and then walk back to our "home away from home" in the semi-dark (we have a lot of natural light that comes through the office). I had mentioned to him that I was alone - but he thought only in our work area...not the entire floor - although, I told him it was the entire floor. He was so upset that this was how I was having to work - I'm very fortunate to have a boss that cares very much about me, my safety and my work conditions. He was so worried about my safety. I should mention that the doors are locked at all times, and a pass card is required to obtain access to the floor. SO for that I'm thankful, and it gives me an extra level of calmness about the situation. My boss talked about it for several minutes. You have to know him to understand the picture I'm painting. He is very vocal. He enjoys hearing himself talk. He can be rather explosive - if he lets himself. He's very much a reactive person, and then tends to clean-up the mess later kind of person. You know ask for forgiveness later, than ask for permission now. Not unique traits to him - very common traits in Executives! SO you can only imagine the scene unfolding in front of me...it was like a bomb just exploded in the middle of the desert. So back to the story...he was talking about it again most of the next day. So later in the afternoon, he comes to my desk and says he's worried about me, and he wants to provide alternative seating if I should ever feel uncomfortable. So we began discussing his thoughts. To start off our convo - he says..."all night last night I kept thinking about this situation - I have an attractive 22 year old woman alone on this floor, all day and it's not safe..." (um what did he say? 22 years old?). Me: "yeah, try a little older, (laugh) much older...". Him: "okay, what you can't be older than 24...". Me: "haha, thanks for the complement - but I'm much older than 24 as well. But I'm open to alternative seating options - what are you thinking?" Him: "not possible, I don't believe it - but I'm not going to ask your age." Me (to myself): "Good!"

Conclusion to this situation - My boss who thinks I'm 24ish years old - yet knows I have almost 16 years administrative experience (explain that please)...and an alternative seating option should I ever feel uncomfortable! Hey, at least I got a laptop out of the conversation!

The True Meaning of Christmas...

A Soldier's Silent Night -

A special thank you to the American Soliders - past and present...you've given us a gift that extends well beyond Christmas - FREEDOM!

Merry Christmas to all those currently serving to keep the gift alive!

Failing...

I was never, nor will I ever be, an all "A" student! Super duper to all you out there who are! Two gold stars for you! However, I was a faithful "B" or "C" student - I worked very hard to get those grades, and my parents knew it...so they never pushed me to get straight "A" - but they did encourage me to do my best, and if they knew I could get an "A"...they gently nudged me that way. However, I never wanted to see a "D" on my report card - and most definitely never an "F". Thankfully, I never saw either! Because to me those were failing, and I've always been afraid of failing. Which is why I'm not really one to be the first one on the dance floor, to be the first to share, and you'd never see me play a sport. It's not because I don't like them - it's because I was afraid I'd fail. I've always been one to have many great ideas - but I'm too afraid to try...for instance, I've always dreamed of having my own business but I never have...because,what if I fail?

However right now I feel like I'm failing, and I'm so discouraged. I'm so angry right now. Those who don't know me well probably don't see it - but those who do...know I'm struggling. Someone told me earlier this year that I needed to be more transparent, to show people that I struggle. I don't like to do that - it shows I'm weak and that I have failures. But actually it only shows I'm human. So hear we go...

Recently, I baked a cake from scratch for my sister's birthday - and this cake was the detail that sent my heart and mind full force into failure mode. My sister wanted a yellow cake with chocolate icing. I thought "Done!". I can handle this - I've done it several times. Cake & Icing from scratch - no problem! (Although from scratch was not what she required) Since I didn't have a yellow cake recipe I was set on making - I searched for the perfect cake. She kept telling me a box mix is just fine. "NO! That's boring!" (those who know me - know I thoroughly enjoy making everything from scratch). So I found the recipe> I studied it. Read comments about it and adjusted my recipe to match some of the suggestions. I made the cake - the batter was a little runny, but it was still cake batter consistency. It looked and tasted delish in batter form. The cake baked at just the right amount of time, and looked perfect! As they cooled I made the Chocolate Fudge icing! Soon the cooled cake was iced. Everything looked perfect. However later on when it was time to eat the cake - I realized something wasn't right. I could barely get the candles in the cake. I'm serious when I say I had to shove them into the cake. I began laughing outside - but inside I was dying...I was crying, how embarrassing - I FAILED. I wanted this to be perfect for my sister, who does so much for me, and this cake was hard...like as a brick, not like hard to make. Finally I got the candles into the cake. We turned the lights off and sang. And then it was time to cut into this cake. It was solid - I mean not a crumb came off this cake and it stood perfectly still during transition from platter to plate. It looked horrible. It tasted even worse - it was solid and you couldn't really swallow it. I continued to laugh - because I knew if I stopped laughing I would burst into tears. I held it together for the rest of the celebration. But once I hit the car - hours later - the tears came. Okay so I know you are probably thinking - "wow, that's a little emotional over cake". But you see it wasn't the cake, exactly, it was a combination of many things that have led up to that cake. I feel like in so many areas of my life - I'm starting to see where I've failed, and where I'm failing. I'm crushed. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. I feel I've failed in many things...but the two I'm struggling with right now are...

As a friend I've failed - I love my friends. It takes me a long time before I will call someone my friend. Because I have to learn to trust a person. In reality - I only have a few true friends, and I have MANY close acquaintances. My friends are my third layer of my foundation...God, Family and Friends. Since I'm older than most of my friends...I try to be an encouragement to them. I try to be an example to them. I try to always be there for them. I try to remember things in their life. Like...a big sister. However, I'm finding out that in my approach I'm failing my friends, because apparently they feel as though they can't be real with me. Within the last year, I've learned some things about my friends that aren't necessarily things I would do with my life. Does it make them wrong and me right - NO. Doesn't even make them wrong. They are just different choices than I would make. Yet, I still love them and I'm not going to judge them - (we are required to compare our lives to Biblical standards, NEVER to judge...that's God's job). If they asked for my opinion, I would share it - but it doesn't change how I feel about them or how I see them. It hurt even more when I found out that others knew and had known for a long time - months, even years about this. I was crushed. Not because I wasn't the first to know - but because everyone knew and I didn't. It was like a big joke once I found out - people even laughed that I finally knew. That hurt so bad. But apparently they feel they can't share these things with me. How horrible. How sad. That my friends don't even feel they can be 100% honest with me. At some point I must have done or said something that makes them feel they can't share these things. The same friend who told me I needed to be real, is the same friend who said - "well we don't share things with you because you are so perfect". I'M NOT PERFECT! I'M NOT! But yet they felt like not telling me was okay. I'm a big girl folks - I deal with real life stuff every day. The last thing I need is for my friends to feel they can't be who they are in front of me - all of the time. They ask me to be real -yet, how am I supposed to be 100% real with struggles that I have when they aren't being real with every day things that they do. Some where along the way I've failed, and I'm not the friend I thought I was or tried to be. Seems it bit me in the butt for caring too much to take a stand, or encourage a friend to have a closer walk with God, a life without so much drama, or just simply to show that I cared no matter what they say or do.

As a woman I've failed - Women were created to be a helper to a man. Women were created to have children. Women were given the desires to be both of these things...at the time of my birth it was naturally given to me by God to have the desire to want to marry and have children. Yet it's a desire that God hasn't fulfilled - nor has he taken away. SO for those who say "maybe you are too focused on it", well you tell me how I can change a natural desire that I have...oh yeah, and I'm only going to listen if you know how I feel. Meaning you are either my age or older, are single and have no children. All the rest of you - well you don't understand! You don't get it and you never will. So for a moment - sit back and see what life is like for someone who desires so badly to have what you have - and can't get it, because God has said "NO." I'm now less than six months from my scary age of 35. I never in a million years would have thought at 35 I would be single and without a child. Since I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being a wife and mother...and neither of those things have been given to me. I have no one in my life that could be a possible mate. The one relationship I did have in my life - he only wanted the benefits of having a girlfriend in private, but in public was too ashamed of me to tell his family or friends...and today people laugh about it and some don't even know it existed. And for those who are thinking it...no we did not have sex, and yes he was a Christian. For some reason God doesn't see fit for me to have this sort of love. And it hurts, it sucks! I'm not saying that I don't have love - I do...from my family and others around me. But I'm talking about the love of a husband. I know that God loves me - I know that...so I'm not talking about that type of love either. It just hurts to know that God didn't select me to be married. Before you start asking well where have you tried...I've tried everywhere - I've paid money to join Match.com and E-harmony, and how stewardly is that for months on end to pay $35+ for something that isn't working. I've tried everything...other than lowering my standards - God's standards. I could be like other young women that I know who want this so badly that they've settled for less than God's ideal or let the temptation of sex overtake them, only to find themselves pregnant outside of a marriage relationship. I could do those things - if I allowed myself to...but that's not what God's plan is for the life of His child. I'm not judging them - please don't get me wrong...I'm just saying, I've tried so hard to be faithful and to be patient...for 16 years I've waited, and tried to follow the design God has for marriage and children - yet nothing. Wow thanks! Thanks for noticing!! And what do I get as my reward...well let's see on May 21 - solely because I'm 35 - I will become high risk should I ever get pregnant. The likelihood of me getting pregnant decreases by several percentage points. The likelihood of me having a child with Downs Syndrome or another birth defects increases several percentage points. Then if those statistics aren't depressing enough - my risk of getting three different types of cancer increase several percentage points - solely because I've never had sex or had a child. WOW! What super benefits for being patient and waiting. Seems like your doomed if you and doomed if you don't. Don't get me wrong - I know God is powerful and he can/does provide healthy children to women over 35 and there are millions of single women who don't have cancer. I know this...but the reality of those statistics make me stop and ask WHY? I don't know - maybe God is saving me from heartache...but that heartache must be pretty big - because this heartache is almost too much for me to handle any more.

I know it doesn't sound like I'm applying the verses that I've learned since I was a in the toddler nursery. I've not forgotten them, or the truths of God's Word. But I'm being honesty here folks - and let's be honest - how many of us ALWAYS apply a Bible Verse instantly to a struggle we have. And isn't honesty about a situation what helps our hearts to heal to actually see where God is working and healing? Often times being honest - is being human, and that's how God made us - to be human. He never promised us a life filled with rainbows and unicorns...and sometimes we have to face the pain and hurt. In life we fail, all the time...and often we have the chance to fix it. I hope that some of my failures can be fixable, and those that can...I hope I can learn to live through them.

So there you have it...I'm being honest. Hopefully, I've not failed.