A Life Changed...

One of my favorite things is to hear is how a brother or sister in Christ has come to the point in which I've met them. I love to hear their honesty and how God has made them whole. I have a co-worker, Ray, who is a fellow believer. Ray is on of those guys that everyone loves to be around - he cracks jokes, he laughs easily, he's easy to talk to, he is a manly man and he is genuine. Ray is a tall guy like 6'2"ish and was probably 250ish pounds, and is very athletic. In recent months (since September) Ray and I have MANY deep conversations on a fairly regular basis about our religious beliefs, and we have become Prayer Warriors for one another. The day before Thanksgiving Ray had surgery on his rotater cuff, and I have become his at work therapist - helping him for 10-15 min each day with various stretches. Ray has been saved for 8 years, and I love his passion and desire to serve God and to give ALL the glory to God. Ray also has questions...not that I have the answers, but in spiritual years I am older than Ray - so often he asks me questions. Sometimes I have the answer and sometimes Ray's questions send me searching the Word of God. Sometimes Ray's questions make me stop and think, and actually check myself and what I believe. Around Christmas time He gave me the book "The Shack", which I've only read a little of, and I'm eagerly looking forward to finishing (especially since PB just shared his thoughts on it!). But when he handed it to me, he said "Buddy, read this and let me know what you think." As you can see Ray and I have developed a bond with each other, one of those unique bonds of two very unlikely people crossing paths and becoming friends.

Recently, over lunch, Ray shared his testimony with him and was very honest in what he went through before he realized his need of a Savior. On the way back to the office he shared with me a CD that he created about his journey. It has a series of Christian songs and then the conclusion of the CD is a recording of the day He and his wife, Geralyn, were baptized. It was so neat to hear the musical "journal" he had created. He and his wife listen to it often to remind them of where they were and where they are today. As the conclusion of the CD was approaching, I looked over at Ray - and I saw tears were rolling down his face. Happy tears, tears of a changed man. Ray has a desire and a passion to bring people to Christ - and that excites me. He then asked me to tell him my testimony...and I told him how I came to the saving knowledge.

So I thought maybe today I would share my testimony with my blog followers and friends. This testimony is not the same testimony I shared with Ray - I shared only my salvation testimony. One day I may share this part with Ray, but I'm not comfortable yet - not as comfortable as he was to share. However, with you, I want to share a little about my salvation, but more about a time that I've never shared with anyone, outside of my family. I realize that in order for you to know me before and after our paths have crossed, I need to be honest- because it is a part of me that needs to be known, and I feel I'm ready to share. I pray that by sharing this you do not judge or have pity...only praise and encouragement that God was able to reach down and pull me up again.

I was raised in a very Christ-centered home. My parents made church attendance a priority, and nothing less than barfing or a fever would keep us from being there. When I was 4 years old I heard a story in Sunday School...I have no idea what the story was, but at some point the teacher talked about giving your heart to Jesus. The lesson was over, and it was time for the coloring sheet (or coloring ditto - for my old school followers!). As I was coloring Dottie Miller asked me if I'd ever given my heart to Jesus. I told her, "No, but I would think about it". That whole next week I thought about what Dottie shared with me. I knew I was a good little girl, and I figured that would get me to Heaven. Then on May 21, 1981 (my 5th physical birthday), I climbed into my bed and before I went to sleep, I realized I needed salvation - and I gave my heart to Jesus. During the next seven years I would continue to grow, but never "proved" my faith through Believers Baptism. Each service my Dad, would lean down and say "Muggs are you ready?" Each service I would say, "No, not today/tonight." I was afraid to walk the aisle (even though we only sat 7 rows from the front...same seat still to this day). Then on a cold, snowy February night our church was having a special service. Since we lived some what close to the church, bad weather rarely kept us from attending. The Johnson Family was there ministering in music and Larry (the father) then gave a mini-sermon. At the close of the sermon, he gave the usual alter call. That evening our family was sitting in the very last row of the church, and I was sitting dead smack in the middle of the pew. I don't remember the sermon or the closing hymn. I just remember my dad looking at me and saying, "You are ready Muggs, let's do this." There was no choice, it was happening - I knew it was what needed to be done. I squeezed past Jenni, Kari, Steve and my Mom. Hand in hand my Dad and I walked the entire length of that aisle, and I told my Pastor that I was ready to be baptized. As the years went on I became very grounded in God's Word via AWANA, Youth, Sunday School, VBS and the other various ministries and people of IBC. I went to public schooling my entire life, and I knew that my life was different than most of my friends. I was the only one in my school circle that still had both parents married and involved in my life - something I'll always be grateful for! I knew this world was dark and lost; however, I continued to live a somewhat sheltered life (again, something I'll always be grateful for). I had a burden for people, but I guess I just didn't think that God could use me to reach them. After I graduated from High School, I went to Wilmington College in Wilmington, OH. It's about 1 hr. south of Cbus. This was my first experience away from home and really seeing the world for what it is. My roommate was unsaved, and lived a life that I didn't approve of or want to be a part of. After returning back to school early one Monday morning, I found my roommate and her boyfriend asleep in bed together and her boyfriend's friend in my bed. Obviously, I didn't want my parents to find out about this - so I told them they couldn't come in the room. Later that night I called and explained what I found when I walked into my room. This enraged my parents. My dad demanded that I be put in another dorm room. All the female dorm rooms were full, and the only option was the top floor of a dorm building they didn't use, and I would be the only person living in this four floored building. I wasn't happy about it, but what was I going to do. I moved into the room and as my Mom and brother left, I felt alone...I was alone. It was just me and the brick walls - I didn't even have a TV to watch, to keep me in touch with the outside world. This was the darkest, most worse period in my life. God had taken me away from my family and friends, and now he had pulled me away from the entire world. Looking back I think He was trying to pull me closer to Him, but I instead turned away from Him. I became angry and I soon became VERY depressed. I stopped attending classes on a regular basis and I was eagerly looking forward to coming home and staying home at the end of that semester. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep for those two months. I began to hate myself and everything about me...I thought there must be something really wrong with me, God must be very ashamed of me to pull me away and hide me from the world. Satan had his grips on TIGHT. When I came home at Christmas, my family knew something wasn't right and I acted as if all was well, but inside I was miserable. I couldn't even look in the mirror without telling myself how worthless and ugly I was, and I 100% believed it. There were even days that I wished I was dead. For MANY months, I made my family's life a living nightmare - I was not a fun person to have around. I was grumpy, bitter and had a down right foul attitude. Looking back I feel horrible for all that I put them through. They didn't know what would set me off, the littlest thing could enrage me. This wasn't the person I was before, I knew something wasn't right and I hated that I was experiencing this. I did a good job of hiding this at church, although even there I felt alone. All of my friends were either away at school or still in the Youth group - that made me feel like even more of a failure and an embarrassment. For months my mom would plead with me to talk to someone, to talk to PB. I refused. I didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't perfect. I wanted everyone to look at me and think that everything was just hunky dory. Then on Christmas Day 1995, something happened (I don't even remember what it was) and I got very angry - and I told my parents that I wanted to die. This obviously upset and concerned them, I had never told them that before - I mean really who wants to hear that from their child. My dad said I could no longer be alone at the house and he demanded that I speak with someone. I had no choice, it was a done deal - but I knew it was what needed to happen and I was ready. My mom was able to get me into a counselor through the EAP program at her job. I was sent a series of papers to fill out and questionnaires to complete. Then twice a week for several months I would go and meet with a counselor. Soon into the meetings she diagnosed me as having clinical depression, and I told her I wasn't going to take any meds. She agreed and didn't feel I needed meds, but I did need to deal with many issues...low self esteem, loneliness, self acceptance, anger, etc. After months of counseling and God breaking me down and revealing Himself to me, I realized how blind I was...how tight Satan had grab hold of my life. I realized that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, that I was made in the image of God, and that I needed to find my everything in God. Soon the counselor didn't feel she needed to see me any more and saw that I was making great improvements. Life began to get better - I was working full time and taking classes at Columbus State - I was doing all of that during counseling, but things were better...I wanted to be at both of those places. I was getting involved in various ministries, and God was working in my life. It's been a long process, I must admit that there are still days even 14 years later that I struggle with the person that I am on the outside - I still look in the mirror and think that I'm ugly, unlovable. and an embarrassment. Some days I still feel worthless and unimportant. There are times, when I feel that my family still sees the person that I was then. But then I have to remember that Satan knows my weakness is my self-esteem, and that is where he is going to try to trip me up. I'll never again be the person that I was before I went through that time - I'll always know that I had this low point in my life...however, I can praise the Lord that he brought me through and that He isn't done with me yet!!! All I can do is strive to live my life to the fullest...serving God, loving my family & friends, and hopefully pointing others to the one who changed my life completely.